Friday, March 31, 2006

Post-Scientology Manifesto

What is the Church of Post-Scientology, you may ask? We can't tell you. That is, we can't tell you unless you give us ten dollars. Then it will only be a matter of the introductory pamphlet to be distributed at any of the following three convenient [but not too convenient] Kent locations:

1.) The U.S. Postal Service mailbox at the corner of E. School and Willow Ext.
2.) The Fed-ex deposit box behind Michael Schwartz Center
3.) Any UPS Store countywide

PLEASE NOTE: Post-scientology is in no way affiliated with parcel delivery. In fact, the church views any type of drop-off/delivery as an assertion of ignorance to the inner-collective-self-psyche [the creeeetian, as we call it]. But that is all classified information, privy only to Church members who have achieved ICSP ratings of 45897458 or higher.

In fact, by reading this, you owe us five dollars.

Please send five dollar incidental information charge to:
DHL drop-off box
120 S. Water
Kent, OH 44240

These five dollars do not secure entry into the Church of Post-Scientology. This will only be the first of many many many monetary donations. For the path to enlightenment is paved by affluence. Except our path is not paved. It is not even a path. It is a cannon,
called Earth Defender 9, extending from the center of the Earth to well beyond our moon. This cannon will prevent the Evil Forces from once again taking over the Earth. But Earth Defender 9 will not be an easy undertaking. It needs your help. And money. Mainly just money. Send us your money to any of the four locations listed above.

Hurry! There are over 240 trillion years of history to catch up on! But we've already said too much. This was at least like twenty-five bucks worth of info here. Hook us up. The eventual fate of Earth is at stake.

And you can't lie about this stuff.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

[Certain to be unfulfilled] goals for this Spring Break

If I am afforded any type of break, like this weeklong Spring Recess [by the way: it's snowing right now. Ah, the Rites of Spring in NE Ohio], I inevitably accumulate some infallible wall of objectives. This one is no different:

1.) Change oil in car
2.) Register long-expired car
2.) Get bikes in working order
3.) Walk to Sheetz [hope this weather breaks]
4.) Finish Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay [pg 58/636]
5.) Read one of David Sedaris' books
6.) Interview above author and Clap Your Hands for DKS
7.) Finish episode of PME
8.) Go to Pittsburgh
9.) " " Youngstown
10.) Start dance synth band based on teachings of post-Scientology
11.) Tour Central America with said band
12.) Transcribe travel journal from said tour into best-selling memoirs
13.) Do Spanish midterm

With nine days to go, I stare at the horizon, rife with potential. All this free time.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

This week on the Postmodern Experience

Episode #3: "Famous People"

How many of us have seen or met someone famous, some celebrity? It seems like everyone has had some brush with fame. This episode features some funny celebrity stories. For, just by seeing a famous person, one feels just a bit closer to "making it" in this topsy-turvy world.

Act One: "Famous people interviews" No, these are not interviews with actual famous people. I hit the bricks and conducted interviews with regular people who have met famous people.
Amy Mathews: "The FUSE internship"
Ted Ferringer: "Farmer Brown Meets Jim Kelly"
My mom: "That time we saw Michael Keaton"

Act Two: Nicholas DiSabatino reads a personal essay of his, "The Human Voice." Nicholas's pliable voice is distinctly his own, and can range from the country alto of Johnny Cash to the wavery lilt of Katherine Hepburn.

Act Three: "McAffleck"--a relationship so brief in the careers of Ben Affleck and PME contributor Molly McAllen as to pass under the radar of the mass media. Okay, that's melodramatic. When she was 14, Molly met pre-Bennifer Affleck, and antics ensued.

Act Four: Danny Volk works in a Washington Art Gallery and meets his first famous person--Dr. Ruth--amongst still life paintings and expended audio tour tapes.

Act Five: In "One degree of Kevin Bacon," Rachel Aslaksen tries her damnest to avoid being a link in the popular Kevin Bacon equation, but it proves to be fruitless. Kevin Bacon finds you, you don't find Kevin Bacon.

Act Six: PME producer Elizabeth Tussey tells the story of the time her young father waved to Nikita Khrushchev at the old Greater Pittsburgh airport in the mid-fifties. "What was the Soviet premier doing in Pittsburgh?" one may ask. We're not sure. Though an even greater question would be, "How did Liz manage to meet Krushchev's son, decades later, and how did said son remember her dad?" A tale of generations being linked and linked again.

Tune in this Monday at 4:00 on Black Squirrel Radio, as always.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


As I spent the entirety of last weekend in front of my computer monitor, I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with my third roommate, Gus, the Asian Ladybeetle. I hadn't seen him since the last post that I made [as I probably scared him away. GUS: that guy wrote a post about me? Creepy. . .], but I thought my desklamp being lit through the night would draw him out of hiding.

Alas, no Gus. . .

But today, today! I found him snoozing in my bookshelf [by bookshelf, I mean stacked milk crates containing books]. And what book do you think he was chillin' on? Only my all-time fav, All the Pretty Horses. Despite being from opposite sides of the globe, Gus and I have so much in common. If only I could get him to pick up his share of the rent. Lazy bastard.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

This week on the Postmodern Experience

Vacations, or, Getting Away: Stories of escape from the mundane, from the familiar, from reality.

Act One: Danny Volk reads his short story "Born to Be Wild," in which a man sets out for an adventure of Steppenwolf proportions but ends up in the video gameland of the Mushroom Kingdom.

Act Two: Eli Cohen heads to the Great Lakes Medieval Fair and becomes Quinn Cromcaden, a toiling peasant more adept with the pen than the sword.

Act Three: Amelia Corrigan visits Paris--the Louvre, specifically--and finds that her minimal knowledge of the French language does not compare to her unbridled ignorance of High Art.

Act Four: PME producer Charles Parsons hits the road for Pittsburgh, armed with a copy of The English Patient and the wrong map.

Tune in this Monday at 4:00 on Black Squirrel Radio.