Friday, March 31, 2006

Post-Scientology Manifesto

What is the Church of Post-Scientology, you may ask? We can't tell you. That is, we can't tell you unless you give us ten dollars. Then it will only be a matter of the introductory pamphlet to be distributed at any of the following three convenient [but not too convenient] Kent locations:

1.) The U.S. Postal Service mailbox at the corner of E. School and Willow Ext.
2.) The Fed-ex deposit box behind Michael Schwartz Center
3.) Any UPS Store countywide

PLEASE NOTE: Post-scientology is in no way affiliated with parcel delivery. In fact, the church views any type of drop-off/delivery as an assertion of ignorance to the inner-collective-self-psyche [the creeeetian, as we call it]. But that is all classified information, privy only to Church members who have achieved ICSP ratings of 45897458 or higher.

In fact, by reading this, you owe us five dollars.

Please send five dollar incidental information charge to:
DHL drop-off box
120 S. Water
Kent, OH 44240

These five dollars do not secure entry into the Church of Post-Scientology. This will only be the first of many many many monetary donations. For the path to enlightenment is paved by affluence. Except our path is not paved. It is not even a path. It is a cannon,
called Earth Defender 9, extending from the center of the Earth to well beyond our moon. This cannon will prevent the Evil Forces from once again taking over the Earth. But Earth Defender 9 will not be an easy undertaking. It needs your help. And money. Mainly just money. Send us your money to any of the four locations listed above.

Hurry! There are over 240 trillion years of history to catch up on! But we've already said too much. This was at least like twenty-five bucks worth of info here. Hook us up. The eventual fate of Earth is at stake.

And you can't lie about this stuff.

No comments: