Obit*

Here's an oldie but a goodie, from the days of Postmodern Dystopia. Written at a rather low point in my life, April of 2005, this phony obituary was a result of getting dumped while reading Cormac McCarthy's All the Pretty Horses -- a dystopic (though stylistically engaging) novel that I took way too seriously at the time.

You can also pick up on some rather obvious allusions to Elliot Smith.

It should be noted beforehand that I hold no ill will towards my parents, nor am I under any notion that they hold ill will towards me; this is a piece of creative non-fiction, and their roles, as with the roles of the others mentioned herein, were intended for comedic value.

This piece should be taken lightly, if taken at all. --RdB, '07

RAVENNA, Ohio, April 20 /Record-Courier/ -- Stabbed in the heart in an apparent suicide, not-so-famed writer R. deBiase was found in his humble Lake Street apartment yesterday. For those who knew Mr. deBiase, this death was not unexpected.

“I’m surprised he didn’t do this a lot earlier,” said acquaintance Ryan Wilkins.

His body of work left behind was considerably less than mediocre, which begs the question: What has he been doing this whole time?

Neither a death note nor Will was provided by deBiase, but in the days preceding his suicide, he apparently sold all of his possessions, which he lumped into a single check for $1,079.23. The money will be split by his parents, who were quite distraught after having spent tens of thousands of dollars in education loans to each receive a scant $539.62 in return. They did mention that his death did come as a bit of shock, but they’d get over it, in time. What they would not get over was debt.

The coroner commented that the method of suicide—butcher’s knife through the heart—was executed with surgical precision, or at least a butcher’s precision.

“I don’t think he even felt any pain,” said Coroner Mike Blasé, “just shock, awe, and death. Seems like a waste. . .that was one good knife. Won’t ever be able to use that one again.”

deBiase’s roommate, Geoffrey Bigler, was not available for comment, as he was out on multiple, simultaneous dates, reported to be getting the most “izz-ass” of his life.

Good friend Justin Hofmann says of Bigler, “Yeah, he said something about getting tons of tang, then how pissed he was at dB for ruining one of his ornament knives. I really can’t blame Geoff for being angry, come to think of it, sucks about that knife.”

The knife was valued at well over twelve dollars, which is set to come out of the check deBiase left behind.

His parents were particularly angered: “I wish he had chosen a cheaper knife, we’re already in debt here.”

If anything, the death of deBiase should prove to us that the most rational human beings ultimately must assess their own sociological worth, and determine if they can be at all beneficial to that society. As a self-proclaimed “rational,” deBiase glanced at himself in the mirror and decided that society was better than he [justly], and that he must rationalize his own existence. In an age of dystopia, we can all respect a rational suicide here and there.

*Inspired by a post of the same name from Tumor Rumors.