The Job Interview

INT: HAL CARDMAN sits at the desk in his office. His intercom buzzes. The Americards, Inc. office is sparsely decorated. On the wall behind his desk is a poster with the Americards Logo -- a fist clutching a Christmas Bulb. The text below this image reads: “Americards: We Make the Holidays.” His intercom buzzes again. CARDMAN presses the buzzer.

SECRETARY
Your interview for 8 o’clock is here.

CARDMAN
But it’s 1:30.

SECRETARY
Yes, I know. He said it couldn’t be helped. Here he comes.

CARDMAN
I’m not even ready for him.

The door busts open and REEVES steps in. His gait is lackadaisical, his appearance unkempt -- grisly facial hair, a half-untucked dress shirt with coffee stains, crooked sock tie, dilapidated denim jacket with one Deerhunter patch on the shoulder. He is eating a chili-cheese dog.

CARDMAN
Uh, please (shuffles through some papers on his desk), uh, Mr., have a seat.

REEVES
Reeves.

CARDMAN
Pardon?

REEVES
Reeves. My name is Reeves.

CARDMAN
Oh. Have a seat Mr. Reeves.

REEVES sits in a chair in front of CARDMAN's desk. He places his half-eaten chili cheese dog on a file cabinet to his left.

REEVES
Just call me Reeves.

CARDMAN
This interview was scheduled for 8, originally. Did you get caught in traffic? (REEVES shrugs) Okay. Well, I guess we can get started. So what brings you to Americards?

REEVES
Nothing.

CARDMAN
Oh, I see that you were referred by an agency.

REEVES
Whatever.

CARDMAN
You didn’t submit a resume. What qualifications do you have for this position?

REEVES
Nothing.

CARDMAN
How many positive references can you provide?

REEVES
None.

CARDMAN
When would you be willing to work?

REEVES
Never.

CARDMAN
Do you have any outstanding offers elsewhere?

REEVES
Nope.

CARDMAN
So this would be your first choice?

REEVES
Uh-uh.

CARDMAN
Where do you see yourself in five years?

REEVES
Nowhere.

CARDMAN
Why do you even want this job?

REEVES
I don’t.

CARDMAN
Fuck you. You got it!

The two stand up and shake hands. End scene.