Sunday, February 17, 2008

Fantasy Hockey Update

Playoff Push Begins for Benign Sharks

Organizational Changes Spell Success Late in Season

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, Ohio, Feb. 17 /YahooSports/ -- With only 36 points separating the Benign Sharks (10th place, 260 points, 103-138-44) from a playoff berth, the team approaches each game with a greater sense of desperation. Battling injuries, controversies and personnel changes all season, the Sharks have stuck around the lower end of the standings of the Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy League. However, with a lot of hard work and maybe even some luck, the Sharks could make a strong push over the home stretch and jump into the post-season on an sixth seed.

The BS began to turn around following some management changes within the organization. Shortly after returning from a 10-week vacation “Down South,” Ownership handed out some pink slips -- namely to oft-injured team captain, RW Chris Clark and coach A.T. Bails. Mr. Bails, as it turned out, had quit the job 6 weeks prior to the order, and the team was operating on autopilot during much of that time.

Mr. Clark said he had no recollection of ever having played for the Benign Sharks.
When asked how his concussion rehab was faring, Clark responded, “Concussion? I’m out with a groin pull. I thought you said this was going to be a press conference.” He then stormed out of the rest room, displaying several symptoms of post-concussion syndrome: irritability, memory loss, and disorientation.

Replacing Bails behind the bench will be seasoned Hollywood actor Wilford Brimley. Although he has no professional coaching experience, Brimley delivered a riveting performance as Pop Fisher in the 1984 classic baseball film, The Natural. Despite signing a contract that advised otherwise, ownership requested that all players henceforth refer to Brimley as ‘Pop.’

Below is a conversation from Saturday’s practice:

Wilford Brimley:
Miettinen. I'm sending you down Miettinen, Class B fantasy hockey. Tomorrow you go to the Great Lakes Association.

Antti Miettinen: All right. You make the rules.

Wilford Brimley: That's right, that's right and you ain't been playing by 'em. Don't you remember signing a contract?

Antti Miettinen: I remember signing a contract to play fantasy hockey -- not to be put to sleep by some two-bit carney hypnotist! I won't do that Pop! I can't.

Wilford Brimley: Stop calling me Pop!

Ownership currently owes Coach Brimley over $2,700 in fines for violating Section 3.a.ii of his contract: ‘Under no circumstances will Mr. Brimley [undersigned] be referred, nor will he respond, to the moniker “Pops.” Subsequent violations will result in a fine of $300.’

Other additions have accompanied Mr. Brimley. The high profile, six-player trade with the team F*** You A**Hole brought in sniper Alexei Kovalev, veteran Keith Tkachuk, and prospect David Booth. Out the doors went perennial underachievers Jaromir Jagr and Brendan Shanahan, along with prospect Andrei Kostitsyn.

With only three weeks left until the playoffs, it is now do-or-die time for the Sharks. Hopefully the tide will turn in Lake Erie and thrust the team, bearing teeth, headlong into the fray.

Brimley was guarded about their playoff hopes and dreams: “Playoffs huh? I only brought enough insulin to last me through the end of the month. This whole leap year thing is throwing me off. What time is it? Where’s my Hershey bar?”

Brimley was undoubtedly alluding to the sweetest victory of all -- a playoff berth. There are no protected waters in Lake Erie. The team tastes blood and for once it’s not from biting its own tongue. Next week’s opponent, Jimmy Paek Corn, had better find a bigger boat, because they are going to be screaming ‘Shark!’

Great seats still available.

SOURCE: Lake Erie Benign Sharks

1 comment:

Charles said...

I really feel like you are quoting Brimley here. Great work.

Don't give us false hope! We want the Sharks in the big dance!

Wolf Like Me